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A grotesque one act play with a variety of interpretations, for two females and one male or three females. About 20 minutes duration. First presented Stagecraft 1995. Has been called an 'absurdist Grand Guigol.'
Bertha - Deprived.
Rose - Depraved
Pottz (Mr or Mrs) - Cracked
IT IS A FADED EDWARDIAN LOUNGE, CLUTTERED, DINGY AND THREADBARE. THERE IS AN OLD HIGH-BACKED EASY CHAIR UPON WHICH BERTHA SITS THROUGHOUT. A SMALL OCCASIONAL TABLE. A SMALL SEAT OR COTTAGE CHAIR WHICH MAY BE USED BY THE OTHER ACTORS IF DESIRED. THIS IS ALL THE SET THAT IS REQUIRED, (I AM A MINIMALIST AS FAR AS SETS ARE CONCERNED), HOWEVER ANY OTHER SETTING WILL DO. THERE ARE NO LIGHTING CHANGES. INTRODUCTORY MUSIC IS NOT NECESSARY. THE PRODUCTION SHOULD CENTRE ON THE PERFORMANCE OF THE ACTORS.
WHEN THE CURTAIN OPENS BERTHA IS ON STAGE KNITTING. THIS KNITTING IS SHAPELESS, PATCHY AND INCOMPETENT. IT DOES NOT MATTER IF THE ACTRESS DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO KNIT.
BERTHA: Knit two. Purl two. (PAUSE) Knit two. Purl two. (PAUSE) She's packing up. (LISTENS - THERE IS NO SOUND) Yes, she's packing up. I can hear her packing up. Knit two. Purl two.
ENTER ROSE.
ROSE: I've been packing up.
BERTHA: Have you?
ROSE: Yes. (PAUSE) Have you had breakfast?
BERTHA: Breakfast?
ROSE: I suppose I'll have to get it. Do you have to continue with that knitting. I find the noise of those needles clicking together quite annoying. (THERE IS NO NOISE)
BERTHA: I'll try to keep it down.
ROSE: What is it you've got there anyway?
BERTHA: A scarf.
ROSE: Doesn't look like much of a scarf. Anyway mouse for breakfast.
BERTHA: Knit two. Purl two.
ROSE: I'm packing up.
BERTHA: Packing up? Is it holiday time again?
ROSE: Yes.
BERTHA: Where are you going this year?
ROSE: Taihape.
BERTHA: Are you going swimming?
ROSE: You are stupid aren't you. You're just a stupid women. You know what happens to stupid people don't you. They have to eat things they don't like, or else they starve. If people can't cook for themselves they have to get someone else who's smarter to do it for them and then they have to eat what's served up. If they don't they'll starve. And if they say stupid things they get what they deserve.
BERTHA: Knit two. Purl two.
ROSE: Just keep the noise down. I'm going into the kitchen. (EXIT).
BERTHA: Knit two. Purl two. (PAUSE) Knit two. Purl two. (WHILE SHE DOES THIS SHE IS LISTENING FOR NOISE MADE BY THE NEEDLES. THERE IS NONE. ENTER POTTZ. POTTZ IS OLD AND CRACKED AND MAY BE EITHER MR POTTZ OR MRS POTTZ.) Hello Mr Pottz.
POTTZ: You haven't got a drop of sugar have you. He just come over to see if you've got a drop of sugar. (HE HAS AN EMPTY SUGAR BOWL.)
BERTHA: Do you want a drop of sugar Mr Pottz?
POTTZ: Yes, he wouldn't mind a small drop of sugar if you happen to have one handy.
BERTHA: Knit two. Purl two.
POTTZ: You never know when a drop of sugar will come in handy. You can put it in your tea with a teaspoon and stir it up and that makes it sweeter.
BERTHA: I went to the shop and bought a pound of sugar once.
POTTZ: Did you now? You never know when a drop of sugar can come in handy for putting in your tea and stirring it up and making it sweet. That's what he uses sugar for. Putting in his tea and stirring it up and making it sweet.
BERTHA: Knit two. Purl two. I went down to the shop and bought a pound of sugar. The man behind the counter had a lot of sugar in a sugar bag. He took his scoop and he scooped it out and weighed it in a paper bag and he gave it to me.
POTTZ: (IMPRESSED) Did you pay him for it?
BERTHA: I gave him sixpence and he gave me some change so I bought some lollipops with the change.
POTTZ: He must say that's an impressive bit of shopping.